Its been a while since Ive written in here. Checking in to leave some stories so in years to come I can read it and remind myself of where I have come from. Many things has happened since the last time I've written. Its been a mix of roller coaster ride mixed with ups and downs. What I've realized is that this is just part of life. Its all about ups and down. However we do have a choice though. If we let these ups and downs affect us or not.
As I mentioned earlier with the girl I met before... thats definitely over. What happened between us has only been heard of in movies and dramas and for that I am so glad its over. I have learned a lot from the experience although it was not a pleasant one. I can focus and do my own thing again :). I recently got a job offer and now looking into residency to further my education. Things are going great. I know this entry is random but Im sitting here in the living just chilling and enjoying the moment :). Its been a while since Ive been back and it feels so good to see everyone again. friends and family are everything to me :)
I know this is long but you will see the reasoning and my story at the end.. keep reading.. Recently, in between all the emotional ups and down, I was chatting with a friend about religions and teachings.. then i remember about a buddhist teaching called the kalama sutta. Ive heard of this before but I never really looked at it. Im glad I did because it really brought me back or at least pointed me in the right direction to find myself again. Kalama sutta basically gives any sensible person a way in discerning teachings. In summary it tells us not to simply
go upon what has been acquired by repeated hearing nor upon tradition, nor upon rumor, nor upon what is in a scripture, nor upon surmise, nor upon an axiom, nor upon specious reasoning, nor upon a bias towards a notion that has been pondered over, nor upon another's seeming ability
this came from a story with Buddha and one of his disciple, Kalama. Kalama saw a bunch of monks talking and praising their ways as the right way. So, he asked Buddha how can you tell who is right and who is wrong? This is when Buddha gave him those criteria listed above. Then he goes into telling kalamas that when these things are good and not blamable and beneficial for one and all, then embrace and practice it. How do we know our actions are right? In Buddhism, it talks about the 3 poisons. The three poisons are Greed, Hatred, and Delusion. Are your actions based on these 3 poisons? If they are do not act upon them.
When I did some meditation, I meditated on my recent actions and who I have hurt based on my actions that were either greedy, hateful, or delusional. When I contemplated, I realized that I hurt some people and started to become this selfish person that i didnt want to be. This really open me up and made me realized things. shortly after that, I came up with a list of people i have hurt in the recent pass and contacted them and apologize to them if i have ever hurt them and asked for forgiveness. This is the first step in working towards a new me. When i die I want to know that there are no ill feelings between me or anyone.
Remember i said that relationships were my kryptonite? Its my kryptonite because it brings the worst out of me when things don't go my way. I become very ugly and I finally realized it. I knew that it gives me trouble but I know exactly why now. Its because i start to act out of greed and hatred all while in a delusional state. I'm not a wife beater or anything. When i say ugly i mean jealous sometimes. And because of jealousy sometimes i may say things that may hurt the people i care about. For the first time i'm starting to see how to approach it the right way. =) I am not 100% there yet but I can breathe I see where and who I want to work towards. Relationships is my kryptonite but because of it, it allowed me to realize and experience this side of me and expose my insecurities that i wouldn't be able to by myself. Its allowing me to grow as a person. It may take a while to become who i want to be, but I will get there. I promise that to the new and improved me :)
enjoy the moment, be humble and take every experience as a learning experience, and you will never be disappointed :)
Life... what a journey! I read back on some of my entries and it seems like I have been negative in the recent past. I think I'm just gonna drop this negativity. I thought there was something but it is not going the way I expected it to. And with me chasing this ideal of a relationship has dragged out too far and its becoming tiresome. If something happens later great! If not, I cant do anything about it. But one thing is for sure I'm not going to keep putting my feelings out there. At least not until I know there is something there for sure. So, it is what it is. Not gonna force anything anymore. Just gonna let it flow from now on and do my own shit. You can never disappoint when you improve yourself! but looking at it hindsight I really thought there was something. Perhaps I scared her away. I don't know what went so haywire and I don't want to point fingers. I tried and it was a dud. Although my life been up and down, I still take everything as a learning experience. I learned and found more things about myself again. So on the bright side, it was a learning experience for me and I know what I need to work on to better myself as a person :). For the people that truly knows me, I'll be the first to admit any flaws and insecurities I have. I have no problems apologizing if i realize that things went sour due to my insecurities. I mean that is what we do in life right? No one is perfect right? To me it is not something I'm embarrassed or scared about. If you think it is a sign of weakness, so be it. For me, when my insecurities are exposed, it allows me to confront them and find out why is it exactly bothering me. As said before I take everything as a learning experience. Theres nothing in life you cannot learn from. To be honest most of my insecurities in life stems from relationships. I do not really have any insecurities about other aspects of life as in career, family or whatnot. Relationship is my krptonite. Perhaps, I am too used to getting what I work for in life, so it drives me crazy with things don't work out as I would love them to. I have trouble letting go. This goes with other aspect in life especially in relationship and school. In terms of school I will not sleep until I am satisfied that I have learned what I needed to learn for an exam.Yes, I am a perfectionist, which is something I need to work on as well. But thats another story. I guess I carry that "unwilling to give up" attitude into a relationship. I have trouble letting go when I know not all effort was put forth in making it work. But, I have realized that relationships and schoolwork are two separate thing. With schoolwork I am dealing with non animated object. With relationships, it takes two to tango! As obvious as that may seem to a lot you, I struggle with it. Haha I really do, but I'm working to see it in a different light. The beauty of life.. as long you allow yourself to open up and accept the things around you, you can learn so much and grow. :) Still learning and always will be ;)
Ive been in Florida for about three and half years now. Ive so got accustomed to the comfy air conditioner in the house and in the car. With the smoldering Florida heat, you have to turn it on in the car. Over the years, I started turning it on whether if it was hot or not outside. It became a habit. As I was driving to the gym last night, the weather was mild and comfortable. I saw a storm brewing up on the left side with lightening and thunder, so naturally I made sure the windows were rolled up and turned on the A/C. It was obvious that I didn't want to get wet and I needed to satisfy my ongoing habit of turning on the A/C. I had it on for several minutes, but for some reason I told myself that it wasn't that hot outside. So, I turned off the A/C and roll down the window.
It was absolutely beautiful. Everything felt slightly different and real. I saw the lightening and how it projected these fingers-like web around the cloud, hopping from one cloud to another. Then for a split second, it pierce the air, illuminating the night sky. Felt the warm, moist wind as it glide between my fingers, heard the thunder struck with a big boom, and smelled the metallic in the air. It stimulated all my senses. I felt in touch with the outside world. I realized that since I've been in Florida I felt a little off base -watching everything behind a glass window with the comfortable 72 degree A/C. When I rolled that car window down, I felt a sense of relief. Maybe relieved because I felt something else besides the A/C environment. It felt real. Everyone wants to be comfortable. We go to the length of changing the environment around us just so we are comfortable. Over time, as we have became accustomed to this way, we tend to forget that there is a whole world out there and that we don't just live in our little 72 degree bubble. Who knew the simple act of just rolling down your window in the middle of a stormy night will bring back this feeling. Go out with your loved ones and enjoy yourselves. Go smell the air, feel the sun or rain :)
